The Waiting Game

What a weekend it was. I went home early Saturday morning just in time for the family visit to the hospital. As I'm about to enter the door my mom turns around and says "Prepare yourself." In my head I say both "I'm fine" and "You couldn't have said that earlier than now??" The woman lying in the hospital bed all but deteriorating before my eyes was no longer my grandmother. She could barely keep her eyes open, called my brother by name and never was able to process who I was. I cried for most of the morning and then again every time I had to tell anyone checking on me that my own grandmother no longer knew who her eldest granddaughter was. My mom has told me since then than the drastic change from the time of my phone call after her visit Wednesday to the time I came face to face with her Saturday morning was severe. 

So we wait.

Meanwhile, I call in reinforcement. And it's Roxie to the rescue. 

She's known the relationship I've had with this particular grandmother for years now and when she got the text that she didn't know who I was, she rearranged her entire weekend to come to my aid. As per usual. She drove all the way home after working a late shift Saturday night and drove back late tonight. Less than a 24 hour visit to make sure I didn't completely lose my mind amidst my crazy grieving family. 

So today, we went out early. Shopping, eating, car browsing (potential new car could be in my future), shopping, eating, drinking and departing. That's all it took for me to not spend another day wallowing in my own tears of mourning. Retail therapy. It's what we do. 

Now, I'm back in the city. For now. Until I have to turn around and go back for a funeral, I play the waiting game. Praying that the funeral and my birthday don't fall on the same day. Boo. 

Yet Another Change of Plans

This is getting ridiculous. I know. 

Last night I received some not so new news... In actuality, I felt it coming I was just trying to avoid it. A not so distant relative has been very ill for quite some time now and after a telephone conversation with my mom last night I feel compelled to go home this weekend for a visit. Truth be told, there's probably not much time left for visiting and after being the oldest granddaughter and second oldest grandchild of 16, I feel that it's time for me to step up and do my part. Yet another fantastic perk of being an adult. 

I know that it will be a struggle. It always has been with this one. I've felt many mixed emotions throughout my relationship with this particular grandparent. 

History? Okay. Not to be egotistical, but I'm one of the more successful grandchildren: College diploma obtained in four years, managing a relationship without becoming pregnant for four years running, taking care of myself, standing on my own two feet without loans from the family, etc etc. You may ask where I make my comparisons of success. That would be to the other 15 grandchildren on this side of the family. Not all of them are screw-ups, but a few favorites certainly have had their fair share of mistakes. Once again, not being egotistical, not saying in any way I am without flaw, however... it's really difficult to be the black sheep of the family (along with my brother) simply because I don't rely on her for my well-being as so many others do. Also, bonus, I don't play sports and while I have a love for them, because I don't play football or I'm not a baseball star, I'm once again dropped down the list. My birthday cards come late if at all, my college graduation was not a "must-attend" but every single one of my oldest cousin's high school and college football games most certainly were. Call me jealous. It wouldn't be the first time. 

Ultimately, I have a lot to let go of. None of it really meaning anything when it comes down to it. She's loved me and has probably never known I've felt neglected in any sense of the term. Now it's time for me to grow up and suck it up. I've loved her and I continue to. I suppose fighting for attention and acceptance is what we do in every aspect of life, huh? Especially when you're one of 16 grandchildren ages 6-23. In the end, however, she's my grandmother and I'm not good with good-byes. 

I go home Saturday morning. Attempt two of birthday shopping mission: postponed. 

Just Breathe.

Love, Laughter, and the Pursuit of New Fashion

Well contradicting my last post entirely... I've decided and made known to those living around me that all I want for my birthday, all I really want, is a party. I want a night out of fun with all of my new city friends with a few old ones thrown into the mix. And flowers. I want flowers. But mainly I want a party to celebrate your's truly.

With this decision however, comes the task of finding new clothing to wear to such an event. I've already started talking it up, in true Classy style, so I have to now find something fantastic to wear out for the festivities taking place. What does this mean? SHOPPING!

You guessed it! And this is the way I've laid it out for myself... I'm in a new city away from the majority of my friends for the first time on a birthday. I'm also in a new job where I'm making more money than I've ever made on previous birthdays. I'm also celebrating downtown with a group of people and Mr. Perfect. This means... "it's my birthday present to me! I'm so happy!" Splurging every now and again for yourself can't be too terrible for you. Right? Right.

I'll let you know how it goes. I've gone round one with no success.. Nothing catchy enough. But never fear, I will not give up. I suppose that round two of this mission will take place this weekend in between scheduled nothingness. I'm looking foward to it. I believe Diva and maybe even Ditzy might be joining me at least on Saturday. It will be the first time that dear Ditzy has come out this way... could be interesting. Could be painful. We'll see.

Don't worry Roxie, I'll be missing you. Plenty.

Classy's Birthday List

Can we first talk about how awesome this cake is? This is now at the top of my list. A birthday cake like this one. Get on it.

But really...Okay, let's talk about this. I have a birthday coming up in a little under two weeks. This is both exciting and tragic at the same time. I just want to lay out what I have on my list this year and then talk about comparisons with years past... thus leading to the tragedy of it all. Follow along..

For entering into the 23rd year of my life, I wouldn't mind receiving the following:

1) Spending it with bests I know I won't be able to be with. (sigh).

2) Lamps I've been eyeing at Target.

3) Patio furniture for my pretty screened in porch that currently has nothing on it but two bicycles.

4) A large bookshelf.

5) My college diploma framed nicely.

6) Various other items of home decor that I would like to be residing in my home.

7) What Happens in Vegas & Sex and the City on DVD

8) A larger dvd tower to hold such dvds since my mother tells me I have more movies than the average stiletto.

9) Lastly, new clothes, shoes, or money to be spent on either would be much appreciated.

Now, let's compare.

What I wanted for entering into the 21st or even the 22nd year of my life:

1) Money (didn't have to request the presence of my bests because they were already there).

2) Clothes and shoes or money to be spent on either.

3) I'm sure a cd or dvd of current interest.

4) Alcohol.

5) Clothes.

6) Money.

Okay, let's be real... I'll always be okay with money for my birthday. Who would turn down spare cash, not this one. But let's just take a minute to reflect on the rest of my lists... mainly how badly I simply want my friends to be around or how the majority of my list this year revolves around lamps, patio furniture, art, and decorative pillows for my couch! Honestly! I'm so lame! But this is where I am in my life... deep breath... I'm coping. That hole I was referring to in my last blog... this adulthood thing... I continue to be reminded of it.

Good news. I get to be told how lame I am by my favorite younger brother tomorrow. I am taking advantage of my day off and driving up the interstate to spend the afternoon with him. It's been a while since we've shared quality time together, it should be entertaining. It usually is. QT with him is good for my soul. Maybe I'll start the new work week off in a good mood. Let's get back to being up beat again, shall we?

Ready. Set. GO!

Am I the Only One?

Probably not is the answer to that question. But I'm just throwing it out there.. I feel like I've fallen into a hole. A hole of no return. A hole known to most as adulthood. Please get me back out, it's dark and scary... It's not been a good day. Typical Wednesday, they're usually not very good. It's just the getting through them that keeps me going. Just getting to Thursday, because then it's practically Friday and I'm one girl who worships Fridays. Why am I not a fan of Wednesdays you may ask? Well Wednesdays are my co-teacher's days off. This means they stick me with a "sub-type" who either knows how I handle my class or doesn't...it's hit or miss. One I love dearly, unfortunately, he's not with me today. So, my kids have been insane, not listening to anything anyone has to say to them. Now, this is to be expected on occasion. They're young. But this Wednesday also marks day 12 I've been stuck with this head cold turned sinus infection turned death. And I'm pretty much miserable. So bear with me... 

Back to this tragic hole. Can I please go back to 21 again? You may laugh and say, it really wasn't that long ago...but in my life at its present state, 21 seems ages ago. I feel like I live from weekend to weekend. Soaking up whatever I can and then it's back to the grind Monday morning.

I love my job. I really do. But work is work. Truth be told, none of us want to do it. Ever. It interferes with me taking off and seeing my favorite people whenever I so desire. It interferes with me being lazy and not getting of the couch for hours on end, watching re-run marathons of America's Next Top Model or Law & Order. It interferes with my shopping sprees and expenditures on items or clothing I don't really need, but were just too cute to pass up. Okay, maybe that last one is a good thing, because let's face it, I'm already broke.. but that's not the point. The point is this: Is this what my life is destined to be for 60+ more years?

Work, weekend, work, weekend, work.....

How depressing.

Just a bad day I suppose. A "case of the Mondays" on a Wednesday afternoon. I just miss my friends I guess.. Ready for everything to feel normal again and I'm afraid it's never going to.. How do you return to normal if you're not sure what normal is supposed to be now?

God help me. I sound like Dr. Phil. ha.

I suppose I should be counting my blessings. It could always be worse. After all, I could be the parent of one of these hellions...

Not. Even. Funny.

Relatively Good Weekend Had By All

Well, the weekend went smoothly as predicted. 

Friday night was a blast. Old friends, new city, adult beverages. Perfection. Started with a delicious dinner at an Italian joint downtown, followed by site seeing on our walk to the bars, followed by toasting to good memories. It was a good night. 

Saturday morning began with my pain in the ass class on how to take care of my children... Six hours later (not an exaggeration), I was registered, grumbling, and speeding to my friends who had been watching football all day. Relaxed for a short while, was entertained by both said friends and football, then continued on into the evening in search of festivities to partake in. My college friend (we'll call her: K) and I went shopping at first to find cute clothing to wear for another night of bar hopping, however, by the end of this particular shopping experience, we were buying ice cream, Sister Act 1 & 2, and new pajama pants. Yes, we're lame... and perfectly at peace with that. You have to take into account how much trouble it is to go out at night people. I mean, I enjoy every second of it, but it takes time and effort that we simply didn't want to give...

Therefore, ice cream and Whoopi Goldberg. This was my Saturday night. And I loved it. 

Sunday was uneventful. Saw the parents as they passed through town, laid around, did some last minute video training (yes, it never ends), and went to see Tropic Thunder (side note: DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY! It was absolutely and painfully terrible, however that's just one girl's opinion.. then again you are reading something based entirely on my opinions as they pertain to my very existence).  

Anyway! Aside from being told to shut up by a 3 year old this afternoon, Monday wasn't too bad either. Hope everyone else survived it. 

One day closer to Friday... 

Friday Night Festivities!

You know those college friends that you meet the first few weeks you're at school and they stick with you for the rest of time forever and ever, amen? Well I have a few of those and one of them is coming to the city this weekend! Yes, it most definitely calls for a celebration!  Even though the money is low because my payday unfortunately falls on Monday this go around... (Yeah, trying to suck me out of my weekend fun... I think not!) I will not let this stop me from thoroughly enjoying my Friday night on the town! Laughs will be shared, drinks will be had, and Friday night will indeed live up to what everyone wants it to be. 

If you couldn't tell, I'm very excited about this. Let's just say it's been one of those weeks...

Tomorrow morning, I'll get up and go learn about Child CPR and First Aid for six hours... on a Saturday... We're not talking about it. 

Happy Friday everyone!

"Men Lie and Women Bitch..."

"..and nothing's ever gonna change that." 

Such wise words from a Mr. Perfect at the end of a blog-worthy conversation I just ended. One might think that with a comment like that, it was a very heated discussion with quite naive viewpoints thrown into the wind. It was quite intelligent actually. Two grown adults discussing a topic that I like to think I know a little something about, having a degree in Sociology and all.

 Spun from our "conversation" last night (recall: me-rolling eyes; him-talking a lot as per usual), and other notions brought about from his day at work, we somehow ended up talking about idealism in relation to gender beliefs today. 

He claims to be quite the idealist when it comes to society in general. I can see where this could be the case. It could also be the case that he's just naive. He can't understand why people just don't want to be equal with one another. His main point was that women don't want equality. No one really wants equality. They want to be a step up. Ahead of the other. He said that he didn't hate our Sex and the City viewing last night as much as he found it depressing that this wasn't so far fetched from reality. Granted, we discussed it had to be exaggerated for entertainment purposes, he said that the girls in SATC were a prime example that women don't want to be the same as men, they wanted to be better than men. My response to this, being the ever-so-classy me that I am, was "you don't know what the hell you're talking about, shut up." Okay, maybe I was laughing while saying it, but it is what I said. Women have to try and be better than men (smarter, funnier, quicker) to even potentially receive equal respect as men.. no matter the case. I'm not saying it's his fault that he doesn't see things as I do. I'm not saying I hate men and they keep me down, oh woe is me. I'm saying it is what it is. Society has been molded to be what we live in today. Period. 

A show like Sex and the City is not the basis of all of feminism for the twenty-first century. But the fact that they can "have sex/date like men" for example in one episode, or turn down dates because of shallow reasons for example in another episode, allude to the more independent and self-sufficient women of our time. And that's reality. That's what men do on a daily basis and I can't say that I've never met a woman who acts as such, but in any case I think it's simply hard for men to comprehend from such a perspective as SATC offers. It is empowering. Just as my angry girl music is. I don't think it's about being better than one another. I think it's about trying to find a happy medium that doesn't exist still in our present day. Not that it will never happen (for all of you idealists out there)... just that it hasn't so far. 

News flash: Equality doesn't exist. Not today anyway. 

Sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings there... 

And in response to more thought from my last post and of Kate White's quote, I'm going to say that I can feel all of this so strongly I want to argue about it until my face is blue, while wearing my new cute shoes, and having him open the door for me on the way out. It's not about hating on men, it's about loving being a woman. And being respected by all people, men and women, for being pretty damn fabulous at it. 

That's all. Classy out. 

My Kids are my Birth Control

Confused? Don't be. I'm referring to my kids at work. Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy my job, but let's be real.. it's nice to leave them to their parents at the end of the day. They've made me question if I even want the responsibilities of a dog anymore. My responsible self is pretty much burned out by about 5 o'clock. This picture is by no means an exaggeration of my every day life.... 

Sometimes I think about all of the young women I attended high school with that have already had babies. Mind you, I'm in my early twenties. Babies? Hell no. And this is coming from someone who loves children. I couldn't do it. Not at this point in my life anyway.  I most definitely commend those that can. God bless them. 

Anyway, there was no real excitement on the weekend front. Just to have my friday off and the weekend in general without wild children running about made it seem like a vacation. I'm still waiting on my actual vacation to be scheduled. Please God let it be sometime in the near future. 

In other news, I'm almost done with my book. It's taken a long time I know. Somedays I'm really into it, and other times, I'm too tired from said children mentioned above to become involved. Yes, I'm still referring to "Are Men Really Necessary: When Sexes Collide" by Maureen Dowd. I've found that I really like her. I may find another one of her books to dive into eventually... While returning to my new obsession of the very beginning seasons of SATC, I took particular interest in one of Dowd's chapters "Of Pussycats, Booty Calls, Road Beef and Slump Busters." (Catchy, right?) 

In this chapter, she refers to her friend, Kate White (current editor of Cosmopolitan Magazine). White quotes, "But the feminists made you feel that if you wanted to have your cake and eat it, too, if you wanted to be pretty and sexy and like guys you couldn't be a feminist." It caught my attention. I read it last night and it almost went hand in hand with a conversation I had with Mr. Perfect earlier in the evening. Maybe not so much a conversation but me rolling my eyes and him trying to defend himself. 

With said new obsession previously mentioned, he was courteous enough to indulge me and watch a couple of episodes. He, however, at the end used the term "interesting" to describe the fact that I enjoy this show so much. He said it "didn't seem like me, because it wasn't about equality, it was about power and the degradation of both men and other women..." (not a direct quote but you get the point..) If you've ever seen SATC... let me rephrase, if you're a woman and have ever seen SATC, you know that the target audience is you. I don't think it's as much about power as it is about independence. 

But does this feminine independence, this strong willed sexual awareness, the want to be both beautiful and wanted along with strong and free, does all of this negate a "feminist disposition?" Feminists of the seventies thought so, as Kate White told you above. But what is this new wave of thought? Is it impossible to "have your cake and eat it too?" 

Anyway, maybe a train of thought too serious for my day off, but also nice to have something intelligent to discuss as opposed to shapes, colors, and play dough. Your thoughts?

Angry Girl Music

...or as Mr. Perfect refers to it as "man bashing music." Why is it so catchy? Why do I love it so much? I don't have much to relate to any of it, but for some reason, I love almost all of it. 

"What would you classify as angry girl music?" one might ask. Well examples of such: Kelly Clarkson's "Since You Been Gone" along with basically her entire third album, Taylor Swift's "Picture to Burn" and "Should've Said No," Beyonce's "Irreplaceable," Miranda Lambert's "Gun Powder and Lead," Rihanna's "Take a Bow," Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats," Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know," and the list goes on forever. It seems to be a trend as of recent years, or maybe now I'm just more aware of what the songs I'm singing in the car actually mean. 

In any case, I can't help but turn my radio up high and blast my poor speakers every single time. In about 97% if the songs, I have no idea what it feels like to be in her situation, but it gives one a sense of power and pride I suppose to feel like you do. To feel like you're standing up for yourself or escaping from a suppressive state of being. Who knows the reasoning behind it, but I know I'm not the only one. Mr. Perfect can't understand it. I feel like sometimes he thinks it's a reflection on him how I enjoy this angry girl music. But in all actuality it has nothing to do with him. Nothing. 

Believe it or not I'm a sucker for love songs too. But that's a different blog. 

So sorry if we see the feminist poking her way through my facade again. Maybe the love of this particular genre simply comes from a desire to be stronger in your own skin. To feel like you have the guts to stand up as they do and "Say what you need to say," as John Mayer would put it. 

In our Girls' night out last Sunday evening, during the "wild karaoke," a young woman sang one of these particular songs and the whole place blew up with girls singing and rocking out along with her. It was incredible. Who knew such power could be found within music? Within songs? Within words? 

...I did. 

Labor Day Fireworks

"Ain't no rhyme or reason, no complicated meaning. Ain't no need to over think it, let go, laughing. Life don't go quite like you planned it, we try so hard to understand it. But the irrefutable, indisputable fact is: it happens."

Such profound words from such a simple song. 

This weekend was filled with many different fireworks. A wedding of two of my college colleagues that I had so been looking forward to, was, well.. awkward to say the least. Apparently, drama never ceases even when you remove yourself from everyone possibly involved for over four months. Basically, I traveled quite a ways to be ignored by some, talked to by some, talked about by some, and aggravated by most. A select few of my favorite people from the past kept me at least smiling and entertained for the evening, but I would be lying if I said my strong front wasn't pierced by the time I left for the night. 

The following evening, real fireworks were enjoyed in mass quantity in celebration of Labor Day weekend. A night out with my favorite hometown girls once again raised my spirits and my alcohol tolerance. With some wild karaoke and some fantastic drink specials, the ladies were right on target for an enjoyable evening. They never let me down. I'm so glad things do not change between those that mean the most. 

Meanwhile, words were exchanged between Rico and I that I wish I could forget. Fireworks indeed. I'm not sure what sparked it, but spark is what it did. With the way the wedding went for my self-esteem on Saturday and the way this short fuse blew out of control with Rico, along with a bit of bad family news, needless to say my relaxing long weekend wasn't as planned. However, the past is the past. As far as the wedding drama goes, I'm removed from them once again (thank God), words have been retracted and forgiven from Rico, and it basically comes down to: Shit happens. 

As the song above goes on, she sings about feeling sorry for yourself, wallowing in self-pity when things don't go as planned or as you wish they had. Unfortunately, this does no one any good. It doesn't change things, so we might as well focus on the hilarity of it all. Find the fun. And my fun stemmed from my favorite island girl keeping my focus elsewhere at the wedding and Roxie never disappointing and always entertaining me on a vacation back home for the weekend. 

Getting my act back together is what this week's goal is. Let's get on that...