We Can't Forget, "These are the Days"

I'm trying my best to remember this on a day to day basis. As I'm gearing up for May Mania, I've also been struggling to cope with my current inner dilemma regarding my emotions around this time of year. While I'm thrilled for the upcoming events in the month of May, the weekdays in between the weekends seem to continue to both depress me and infuriate me... depending on the day. 

I'm so unhappy with my job. Within the past three weeks, I've cried three times while at work. Details aside, I'm working my ass off and still seem to come up short on a regular basis in regard to keeping my boss(es) satisfied. I'm over it. As many of the issues I have with my current career, the foremost at the moment is that they don't pay me enough to be on my ass all of the time when I know damn well I'm good at what I do, and most certainly not enough to make me cry and dread work as much as I currently do. I'm over the middle-aged women being jealous of the young, educated, and enthusiastic. I can't help but feel as if every little thing that I do is dissected simply to find fault. What is that? Honestly. I've known since I started this job that it wasn't a permanent situation. It's not what I went to school to do, but after moving to a new city and into a new apartment, and then looking for a job for what seemed like forever, I was happy with a starting out point that seemed as if it were a relatively positive environment to settle into while still looking for other options. Well, with a tanking economy and a new routine in general for this Classy Girl, I became quite comfortable in said positive environment until recently when the positive vibe has begun to drastically decline. I have been thrust back into the reality that this is not what I want to be doing for any longer than I have to. I have also come to accept that I let fear of failure hinder future wants or endeavors. Thus why I haven't taken the GRE, thus why I haven't been on the market for higher paying jobs that require more of me but that I know fully well I am capable of handling, thus why almost a year to date after my college graduation I find that I'm close to miserable more than not on a regular work day. I've never been one to give myself enough credit. So here I am. Poor pitiful me, huh? I'm not trying to play the pity card, just venting through what is currently a very frustrating period. 

Everyone that I've spoken with has understood my frustrations. All too often I've heard that your first 'real' job is never the one you most desire. My response: no joke. But I'm trying my best to push forward, not be rash, enjoy the good parts of my job (...most of my kids), and not be unemployed in our current monetary crisis. Thus, in honor of my post title, Sugarland's These are the Days, I leave you with a few of my favorite lines in the song...

It feels like we're living from paycheck to check.

We wake up wondering what might happen next.

Sometimes it feels like we won't make it through,

but the hard times pass like the good ones do.

Yet Another Change of Plans

This is getting ridiculous. I know. 

Last night I received some not so new news... In actuality, I felt it coming I was just trying to avoid it. A not so distant relative has been very ill for quite some time now and after a telephone conversation with my mom last night I feel compelled to go home this weekend for a visit. Truth be told, there's probably not much time left for visiting and after being the oldest granddaughter and second oldest grandchild of 16, I feel that it's time for me to step up and do my part. Yet another fantastic perk of being an adult. 

I know that it will be a struggle. It always has been with this one. I've felt many mixed emotions throughout my relationship with this particular grandparent. 

History? Okay. Not to be egotistical, but I'm one of the more successful grandchildren: College diploma obtained in four years, managing a relationship without becoming pregnant for four years running, taking care of myself, standing on my own two feet without loans from the family, etc etc. You may ask where I make my comparisons of success. That would be to the other 15 grandchildren on this side of the family. Not all of them are screw-ups, but a few favorites certainly have had their fair share of mistakes. Once again, not being egotistical, not saying in any way I am without flaw, however... it's really difficult to be the black sheep of the family (along with my brother) simply because I don't rely on her for my well-being as so many others do. Also, bonus, I don't play sports and while I have a love for them, because I don't play football or I'm not a baseball star, I'm once again dropped down the list. My birthday cards come late if at all, my college graduation was not a "must-attend" but every single one of my oldest cousin's high school and college football games most certainly were. Call me jealous. It wouldn't be the first time. 

Ultimately, I have a lot to let go of. None of it really meaning anything when it comes down to it. She's loved me and has probably never known I've felt neglected in any sense of the term. Now it's time for me to grow up and suck it up. I've loved her and I continue to. I suppose fighting for attention and acceptance is what we do in every aspect of life, huh? Especially when you're one of 16 grandchildren ages 6-23. In the end, however, she's my grandmother and I'm not good with good-byes. 

I go home Saturday morning. Attempt two of birthday shopping mission: postponed. 

Just Breathe.

Green with Envy? Since when?

Am I a jealous person? I've never considered myself to be. I was part of a long distance relationship for far too long to be jealous of other women being around Mr. Perfect. But while sitting in traffic on the way home from work this evening, I received a phone call from a certain "friend-boy" I told you that you'd be hearing about (the one I'm closer to than I probably should be). The sole purpose for this call was not to flaunt in my face that he has a hot date this weekend... or maybe it was? Nonetheless, I found that when I hung up, I was irritated by this very fact. 

I know, right? You're saying..."Now wait a minute, don't you live with your boyfriend? Weren't you just telling us you had been a part of said long term relationship and were pleasantly content?" Yes, to answer that, I do and I am. So am I jealous of a friend taking another woman out? Okay well before we get into this, let's review... give you a little background, if you will.  

"Friend-boy"... acts very smooth and charming such as Roxie's ever-so-pleasant friend "Sir Jerkoffalot." She referenced Rico Suave, I believe. So, we'll call "Friend-boy," Rico from now on. Still with me? Okay. 

Rico, while much nicer and more respectful than Roxie's "Sir Jerkoffalot," seems to have the same "Prince Charming player" thing going on. But while I know and have witnessed this side of him, he's different with me... for the most part.  All year long, it wouldn't be too much of an exaggeration to say he would do pretty much anything for me. Not to say he exactly worshipped the ground I walked on, but when I called, he was never far away. A girl can really get used to that kind of attention. Really get used to it... I digress. 

Anyway, so when I'm the only female he adores and runs to, you can see where I wouldn't want some other cheap hooker taking away attention that belongs to me, right? Does that make me jealous? I don't think so... Does that make me a spoiled bitch because I'm already receiving attention from my actual invested relationship and who am I to keep him from being happy elsewhere? Maybe. 

Don't judge me. 

I know I have nothing to be jealous of, nor do I have a right to be even the lightest shade of green with envy. Let's recall: Me= In happy relationship/Living with Mr. Perfect; Him= Single/Able to date girls... and play them as per usual the case. So what is this irritation? 

Classy's "inner attention-seeking bitch" coming out to say hello! 

Hey, Hi, Hello!

Good grief what a day...