Post-Beach Blues

This was me, yesterday. Maybe a little bit older and not in front of a Christmas tree. But this was me. I made the 7.5 hour journey back from my own slice of Heaven, otherwise known as the Gulf of Mexico, yesterday. My family, however, is still there. Probably on the beach right now. While I'm at work. Isn't that peachy? This is the first year in all of my life that I have not been able to spend a full week's vacation with my family in the Gulf. Unfortunately enough, my vacation days are spent and this Classy girl needs every dime on her paycheck in order to pay my bills and fund other excursions between pay periods. I'm pretty sure I cried multiple times on the trip home, just thinking about the rest of my family enjoying the ocean breeze and relaxing by the shore while I was facing torrential downpours and tornado warnings as a special 'Welcome Home' present from the city. Awesome.

While I'm so thankful for the time I was able to enjoy, it hurt more than a little to leave my favorite destination. Hurt even more to show up for work again today. Although, I could really get used to this whole two day work week thing. I'm trying to look towards the future now. My summer is still full of fun and excitement if I can just get past the continuous focus of not being able to be where I want to be in this very second... while Mr. Super Athlete and the rest of the crew are sunbathing and drinking and swimming and laughing... ugh...

Anyway, we're moving on. I'll keep you posted on what I find exciting about this weekend... could be rough, but I won't continue to mope... much... Promise.

Operation: Working Vacation

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is where I will be in only two more days. As if I hadn't been MIA in the blog-o-sphere enough, this upcoming Friday through Wednesday, I will be MIA in the city as well. And I cannot wait. This very beach, the ocean breeze, the hot white sand, the clear waters... the cold beverage... all of the cold beverage... five days of absolute and blissful nothingness. God, can I leave now? Classy and Mr. Perfect are traveling Friday night to meet my family, including Mr. Super Athlete, for a week in Seaside, Florida-- all paid for via my fabulous parents. Could it be any more perfect? Only if it lasted two weeks instead of 5 days. Unfortunately, my 'super cool' workplace won't pay me to be at the beach any more than my current existing vacation days will allow. Those pesky bills to pay at the end of the month seem to ruin all the fun. Ah, well. Some is better than none at all... that is for certain. 

Speaking of my 'super cool' workplace and my desperate need for this overdue vacation, I promised explanation for my negative attitude towards said 'super cool' environment in my last post. For the past couple of months, I have been on the verge of miserable at work. While I have my good days and still find great comfort in my close co-workers, my 'higher-ups' continue to place me on that line between anger and misery more often than not. As of late, it has gotten better, however not more than a month ago, I was more than ready to be elsewhere being paid more money for some type of work where I was actually using the degrees that I had earned in school. Basically, they don't pay me nearly enough to talk to me or treat me the way that they were at the time. Ie. I don't know how to do my job or I'm not putting forth enough effort for the sake of my children, blah blah bullshit, blah blah. Funny how all of my quarterly personal evaluations since I've been teaching there have been nearly perfect scores, yet all of a sudden, I'm worthless. It was re-accreditation season for them, therefore their asses were on the line, so their stresses were forced upon their staff... it was my first go around with said season. Lucky me. I don't think I'll be around to witness another... I hope not anyway. After crying at work twice in two weeks, one could say I was more than a little fed up. However, being that I was in the middle of May Mania, I didn't exactly have time to vent such stresses here or put forth effort in looking for a new place of employment were I would be validated. I basically spent all of May avoiding my administration as to 1.) not be forced into fake conversation acting as if I was perfectly fine after the way I was treated or 2.) not be yelled at or condemned for anything else I could possibly be doing all wrong. My job simply isn't that hard. I promise I can handle it. Chill out. Anyway, as things have settled mostly, I'm back to complacency where I am at the moment. My resume has been updated and sent off to a couple of locations actually, but I'm not expecting much out of it. Not many industries hiring nowadays. The relief, however, of simply having it updated and available for immediate send out is quite enjoyable.

But not more enjoyable than the relief that my home away from home in Seaside is waiting for me a mere 72 hours from now. Ah, bliss. 

Why Do Mondays Come So Quickly?

Nothing so exciting to report from the weekend. I suppose I had enough excitement last weekend to last me for a while. Saturday was far too busy to be considered a Saturday. I sat at the doctor's office for two hours on Saturday morning waiting for them to tell me that I didn't in fact have an ear infection, it was just sinuses and I needed a Z-pac and a decongestant. Thanks for that. I could've told you that when I was giving you my name and insurance card. I was, however, more than thrilled for my left ear to finally pop after two days and my hearing to be fully restored. I swear, these children will be the death of me. And tomorrow, guess what... Monday again! The beginning of another week. Two weeks ago: Pink Eye; Last week: Near Ear Infection/Terrible Sinus Cold; This week: stay tuned! 

I know, I know, I should be thankful that I have a job. And I am. I really do enjoy my work. But after a while, as with any job, I firmly believe that everyone wishes for just a short period of paid unemployment. I'm just saying, it'd be nice. I couldn't do it all of the time, I'd get bored. But vacations are nice. Paid vacations even nicer. 

Next weekend's events: Mr. Super Athlete's 19th birthday--even though his id would say it's his 24th? Not the point. Parents are returning to the city to celebrate. In other words, Classy gets free stuff! Hooray for S.A's day of birth! There's already a nice dinner planned for Friday night, I'm sure I can get the madre out shopping on Saturday, and Daddy always leaves extra cash when he leaves his little girl. Therefore, I'm working, working out, and counting the days until another weekend arrives. Is that the way everyone else lives? Weekend to weekend? Unless you work on the weekends, I can't help but assume it is. Oh, the days back in college when every day's work was about 2 hours of class, 2 hours of napping and a party at least twice a week to attend.... sigh. 

"Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays...." Office Space

And the Wait is Over.

At 3:45 this afternoon my grandmother passed away. I didn't know about it until after work when I called home to check in around 6. I cried all the way home, went and sat on my back porch alone and cried some more, simply taking in the cool breeze and the silence. I feel it hasn't fully set in and probably won't until I'm actually home surrounded by others who feel the way I'm feeling. The ironic part of it is that my mom said that this morning she actually had looked better. You know, more color, a little less "living dead" as she had been when I saw her Saturday. Her blood pressure, however, was something like 78/36. She warned me that it was probable by the end of the day, but I still wasn't prepared when she actually spoke the words. 

Another irony, today had been a really good day for a Wednesday. You know how my typical Wednesdays are. Well, today the children were relatively well-behaved, I had my favorite sub with me and we pretty much laughed all day, and I was productive, getting a lot of work actually accomplished. I was pretty proud of myself and feeling rather peaceful. More so than previously this week. Maybe that should've been my sign. 

At least it wasn't on my birthday right? From the looks of things now, hopefully the funeral won't fall on my birthday either. Hopefully, I'll be taking home a dose of a fun night out to keep me going throughout the remainder of the weekend. My brother says we should still go out Friday. I'm hoping things will settle within me and I'll be able to enjoy what I've been looking so forward to. We're trying for a positive Friday so we can make it through the negative Saturday and Sunday. Yay. Happy Birthday to me. 

Anyway, I'm just filing through many emotions at the moment. Hurt, Guilt, Anger, Sadness, Exhaustion.. all things that I'm sure anyone feels during this time. I could've held a few less grudges, I could've cared a little less about the late birthday cards, I could've been a little less distant, I could've been a little less selfish all around I suppose. 

Coulda, woulda, shoulda... Isn't that the way it always goes? I've really struggled tonight, but I'm a tough one. At least I can make myself seem that way. It should be quite the emotionally diverse weekend. I'll keep you posted. 

The Waiting Game

What a weekend it was. I went home early Saturday morning just in time for the family visit to the hospital. As I'm about to enter the door my mom turns around and says "Prepare yourself." In my head I say both "I'm fine" and "You couldn't have said that earlier than now??" The woman lying in the hospital bed all but deteriorating before my eyes was no longer my grandmother. She could barely keep her eyes open, called my brother by name and never was able to process who I was. I cried for most of the morning and then again every time I had to tell anyone checking on me that my own grandmother no longer knew who her eldest granddaughter was. My mom has told me since then than the drastic change from the time of my phone call after her visit Wednesday to the time I came face to face with her Saturday morning was severe. 

So we wait.

Meanwhile, I call in reinforcement. And it's Roxie to the rescue. 

She's known the relationship I've had with this particular grandmother for years now and when she got the text that she didn't know who I was, she rearranged her entire weekend to come to my aid. As per usual. She drove all the way home after working a late shift Saturday night and drove back late tonight. Less than a 24 hour visit to make sure I didn't completely lose my mind amidst my crazy grieving family. 

So today, we went out early. Shopping, eating, car browsing (potential new car could be in my future), shopping, eating, drinking and departing. That's all it took for me to not spend another day wallowing in my own tears of mourning. Retail therapy. It's what we do. 

Now, I'm back in the city. For now. Until I have to turn around and go back for a funeral, I play the waiting game. Praying that the funeral and my birthday don't fall on the same day. Boo. 

Yet Another Change of Plans

This is getting ridiculous. I know. 

Last night I received some not so new news... In actuality, I felt it coming I was just trying to avoid it. A not so distant relative has been very ill for quite some time now and after a telephone conversation with my mom last night I feel compelled to go home this weekend for a visit. Truth be told, there's probably not much time left for visiting and after being the oldest granddaughter and second oldest grandchild of 16, I feel that it's time for me to step up and do my part. Yet another fantastic perk of being an adult. 

I know that it will be a struggle. It always has been with this one. I've felt many mixed emotions throughout my relationship with this particular grandparent. 

History? Okay. Not to be egotistical, but I'm one of the more successful grandchildren: College diploma obtained in four years, managing a relationship without becoming pregnant for four years running, taking care of myself, standing on my own two feet without loans from the family, etc etc. You may ask where I make my comparisons of success. That would be to the other 15 grandchildren on this side of the family. Not all of them are screw-ups, but a few favorites certainly have had their fair share of mistakes. Once again, not being egotistical, not saying in any way I am without flaw, however... it's really difficult to be the black sheep of the family (along with my brother) simply because I don't rely on her for my well-being as so many others do. Also, bonus, I don't play sports and while I have a love for them, because I don't play football or I'm not a baseball star, I'm once again dropped down the list. My birthday cards come late if at all, my college graduation was not a "must-attend" but every single one of my oldest cousin's high school and college football games most certainly were. Call me jealous. It wouldn't be the first time. 

Ultimately, I have a lot to let go of. None of it really meaning anything when it comes down to it. She's loved me and has probably never known I've felt neglected in any sense of the term. Now it's time for me to grow up and suck it up. I've loved her and I continue to. I suppose fighting for attention and acceptance is what we do in every aspect of life, huh? Especially when you're one of 16 grandchildren ages 6-23. In the end, however, she's my grandmother and I'm not good with good-byes. 

I go home Saturday morning. Attempt two of birthday shopping mission: postponed. 

Just Breathe.