We Can't Forget, "These are the Days"

I'm trying my best to remember this on a day to day basis. As I'm gearing up for May Mania, I've also been struggling to cope with my current inner dilemma regarding my emotions around this time of year. While I'm thrilled for the upcoming events in the month of May, the weekdays in between the weekends seem to continue to both depress me and infuriate me... depending on the day. 

I'm so unhappy with my job. Within the past three weeks, I've cried three times while at work. Details aside, I'm working my ass off and still seem to come up short on a regular basis in regard to keeping my boss(es) satisfied. I'm over it. As many of the issues I have with my current career, the foremost at the moment is that they don't pay me enough to be on my ass all of the time when I know damn well I'm good at what I do, and most certainly not enough to make me cry and dread work as much as I currently do. I'm over the middle-aged women being jealous of the young, educated, and enthusiastic. I can't help but feel as if every little thing that I do is dissected simply to find fault. What is that? Honestly. I've known since I started this job that it wasn't a permanent situation. It's not what I went to school to do, but after moving to a new city and into a new apartment, and then looking for a job for what seemed like forever, I was happy with a starting out point that seemed as if it were a relatively positive environment to settle into while still looking for other options. Well, with a tanking economy and a new routine in general for this Classy Girl, I became quite comfortable in said positive environment until recently when the positive vibe has begun to drastically decline. I have been thrust back into the reality that this is not what I want to be doing for any longer than I have to. I have also come to accept that I let fear of failure hinder future wants or endeavors. Thus why I haven't taken the GRE, thus why I haven't been on the market for higher paying jobs that require more of me but that I know fully well I am capable of handling, thus why almost a year to date after my college graduation I find that I'm close to miserable more than not on a regular work day. I've never been one to give myself enough credit. So here I am. Poor pitiful me, huh? I'm not trying to play the pity card, just venting through what is currently a very frustrating period. 

Everyone that I've spoken with has understood my frustrations. All too often I've heard that your first 'real' job is never the one you most desire. My response: no joke. But I'm trying my best to push forward, not be rash, enjoy the good parts of my job (...most of my kids), and not be unemployed in our current monetary crisis. Thus, in honor of my post title, Sugarland's These are the Days, I leave you with a few of my favorite lines in the song...

It feels like we're living from paycheck to check.

We wake up wondering what might happen next.

Sometimes it feels like we won't make it through,

but the hard times pass like the good ones do.

Don't Toy With My Emotions

No, Seriously. Let us review. This weekend, as you read previously, was fantastic. Not only was the company wonderful, but the weather, the food, the shopping... everything. But especially the weather. After a long day of spending too much money and fighting too many crowds, it was so lovely to come home and enjoy a beverage on the back porch, watching the sun set into the breezy, yet still warm, night sky. It. Was. Perfect. I was finally at peace. One of my favorite seasons was in full effect. Spring time. Temperatures in the 70s, sun shining in all of its glory, blue skies, cool winds,... the whole nine yards. Perfection. Up until Tuesday, when the high was 80 degrees here in the city, l was blissfully content.

Fast forward to this morning. Recall, two days ago, 80 degrees and sunny. This morning... 38 and sleeting as I drive to work. What. the. Hell?

My sentiments exactly! As I sit here, watching the snow fall outside of my window at work, this picture perfectly sums up my emotions. I can understand rain in the Spring. This was in the forecast for the rest of the week, that's fine. Rain and 50s, fine. Rain, sleet, snow, and temperatures in the 30s? Seriously? No words can explain the irritation. I should've known, I suppose. I have an album of pictures from last spring entitled "When Your Spring Time is Bi-Polar." So, I suppose that this was the case last year as well, but I simply cannot recall sunshine and 80 degree weather back to back with sleet and 30 degree weather. Not. Okay. At. All!

In conclusion, all that I ask oh City Weather is to please, please, for the love of all that is good, stop toying with my emotions! It's simply not humorous. Not in the least.

Help! I'm Stuck!

Scales were sent from the Devil. Of this, I'm convinced. I worked out four days last week. Hard. I'm pushing myself to an extra extreme at this point because of certain events coming up shortly and certain people I'll be spending time with preceding the wedding festivities in May. I've set more short term goals, even though the long term goals are sneaking up on me quickly. In any case, I have been stuck on the same approximate numbers now for two + weeks. And this is not okay. Mr. Perfect asks why I can't just be satisfied with being in the best shape I've probably ever been in. My co-worker and friend tells me over and over again, "stay off the scales, they're just discouraging. You know you're working hard and it's paying off." My heart understands this, but my instinct is to just see if the needle has moved a simple pound or so... it can't be that difficult, right? Wrong.

I had a brief conversation with I.G. yesterday, begging for guidance, for encouragement, for anything. I'm so fed up with working so hard to no avail. It's enormously frustrating. I mean really, no wonder people allow themselves to get fat! Not only is it a chore to watch what you eat, but you also need to fit in a fair amount (or more) of exercise and BONUS, when your body becomes tired of that routine, you have to change it up again simply to continue to lose. What is that? One might try to tell me that the results will continue to drive me. It'll all make sense when you feel fabulous in the end, right? Well as of now, I've been working my ass off for two solid months and I haven't seen any further results than what I saw at a month and a half. If this is the case for much longer, when on earth am I supposed to feel fabulous?

Yes, I can tell that I've lost. Yes, I feel like I'm in much better shape than when I started. Yes, I'm able to run further or lift longer. Yes, I can feel my body strengthening. No, I'm not where I thought I would be at this point, nor where I want to be and no, I'm not okay with going another month with nothing on the scales amusing my efforts!

After a fantastic time at home last weekend, I felt so encouraged and motivated by my girls. I was thrilled to get back in the gym with a breath of fresh air. And this weekend, I felt like I had plummeted into a hole that I can't crawl out of. I'm stuck! I was quite the cranky bitch yesterday as I couldn't break free of this mindset. I.G. assured me that my body would work its way through it and the next twenty pounds would fall off. I hope that's the case. But it was/is quite difficult for me to come to terms with that today. When you start working out and feeling good, it's so easy to say "Why haven't I been doing this all along?" until you reach this point and it's like "Now I understand why everyone gives up about two months into their 'New Years Resolution' and goes back to the hot wings and cold beverages." I'm not saying I'm giving up. I've come too far for that. I'm just admitting that I can certainly see why people do. I'm so irritated. Maybe I should just throw out the scales for a while... could I really do that? Add that to the list of what my will power is up against lately. God help me.

Trapped

1. Sorry I've been a major slacker for about a week now. Promise to not let it happen again. 

2. Note: This post may be very Carrie Bradshaw-esque and may even make some of you roll your eyes at me for not appreciating what I've been blessed with. But you know me, no apologies. 

This past weekend was quite wonderful. I enjoyed some alone time, some pampering, and a lot of sleeping. It was exactly what I needed at the end of last week. Yesterday however, was rough. What is it about Sunday afternoons? I find them so lonely, no matter where I am. So you're asking yourself how do I go from lonely to trapped? Try and stay with me. 

I spoke with my mother several times yesterday as I usually do. She knows Sundays are hard for me. Once again, I don't know why. Anyway, one of our last conversations of the day began with her telling me that my grandmother's most recent habit is referring to Mr. Perfect as my finance. Okay. Hold the phone. Last I checked my left hand, I have no diamond. I, more or less, brushed it off with "Whatever helps her sleep at night." Note: She's not a fan of her only granddaughter having moved in with her boyfriend. Also note: Classy doesn't care. If she only knew how many other things in my life she could stress over aside from my living arrangements... Anyway, moving on. While my mom was laughing about this, it led into a conversation I didn't want to have. She began asking questions that she rarely asks because she knows I don't enjoy them. Ex. "Have the 2 of you talked about it? What are your thoughts?" And my personal favorite, "Are you sure he's the one?" Please mother, put these on top of my carefree weekend just to add a little spice. 

The truth is I once had the answers to all of these questions. Now, I feel that even the simple questions put me in a cage I cannot seem to escape. I'm not ready to make these decisions. When a grand majority of my friends are married, engaged, or in very serious relationships, I find myself feeling stuck. Have I trapped myself in a life I don't want to be in? Just writing that sentence brings tears of fear to my eyes. I laugh it off most of the time. Questions are asked and I give the typical answers that I know everyone wants to hear, but honestly it scares me to death to find myself in such a position at this point in my life. 

Maybe it's a fear of the unknown or a fear of growing up. Maybe it's a fear of making a mistake or losing control over my precious independence. Maybe it's typical Classy playing our everything in her head to an exaggerated state. Whatever the case might be, I've really struggled with it for the past 48 hours. 

Interestingly enough, it has more to do with my own state of mind than Mr. Perfect. One would think something had changed or gone wrong with the fault lying in him, but not so much. I mean, I could make out a list of all of the qualities I love so much about him and all of the things he does for me. Then again, I could also list the things that drive me crazy along with everything I wish he did for me. But that is the case with every man, right? Or any significant other, I suppose. Whatever. It's not about him. 

I guess I'm settled here now. Therefore, it's time to figure out what's next. And the "what's next" answers are becoming more frightening every day. 

Another sorority sister got engaged last night. My college roommate (also engaged) emailed me this morning to tell me. She also concluded in her own special way... "Soon we're all going to be married! Isn't that exciting! When are you joining the club? Want me to stop asking? haha..." etc etc. Well, I do know the answer to that question and it's "YES! For the love of everything good and holy, stop asking!"

Oh life. In the words of the beautiful Dierks Bentley, "I'd settle for a slowdown."

Why Do You Hate Them So Much?

This new city living away from all I know has left me without my staple group of girlfriends.. Unfortunately, this means that when I want company other than myself and Mr. Perfect, I find myself with a group of his friends on any given night. Don't get me wrong, he has some really awesome friends.. I like the majority of them a lot. However, my Saturday night consisted of this:

UFC fighting (this I can handle, I grew up in a house with guys present a lot), crude jokes about women and sex (this I can also handle, like I said, been around guys all my life)--but.. then when I said, "No, Honey, I'm not bored, I'm fine.." they broke out the video games. 

Video games and I don't so much get along. Super Nintendo and I got along just fine... back in Elementary School. The Wii can also be entertaining at times for games such as bowling and the like, however.. The video games and systems that the boys play when I'm around are not so much entertaining to me. So, I apologize, but this will be a rant of said night and said video games. Often I get asked, "Why do you hate them so much?" So, I ask.. why would I hate them so much? I only sat and watched three "grown" men sit and scream obscenities at one another for their pseudo identities being shot at and killed. Why do they freak out when they're killed--two seconds later they're magically reincarnated! And thus the screaming begins again. This cycle goes on and on, sometimes for hours on end. The entire game consists of timed sessions of them running around various settings and killing one another. That's the game. The whole game. 

At least with Mario, there was an end of the level and a goal to reach. That's all I'm saying.

I know I'm fighting a losing battle, I know that. And I'm not trying to take away their juvenile entertainment.. I'm just in great need of my girlfriends. Sex and the City episodes are getting to me. I need my retail therapy partners and my lunch dates... and they're too far away from me. 

Oh the differences between male and female versions of a "fun Saturday night.." but I suppose that's an entirely different post for another day.