At 3:45 this afternoon my grandmother passed away. I didn't know about it until after work when I called home to check in around 6. I cried all the way home, went and sat on my back porch alone and cried some more, simply taking in the cool breeze and the silence. I feel it hasn't fully set in and probably won't until I'm actually home surrounded by others who feel the way I'm feeling. The ironic part of it is that my mom said that this morning she actually had looked better. You know, more color, a little less "living dead" as she had been when I saw her Saturday. Her blood pressure, however, was something like 78/36. She warned me that it was probable by the end of the day, but I still wasn't prepared when she actually spoke the words. Another irony, today had been a really good day for a Wednesday. You know how my typical Wednesdays are. Well, today the children were relatively well-behaved, I had my favorite sub with me and we pretty much laughed all day, and I was productive, getting a lot of work actually accomplished. I was pretty proud of myself and feeling rather peaceful. More so than previously this week. Maybe that should've been my sign.
At least it wasn't on my birthday right? From the looks of things now, hopefully the funeral won't fall on my birthday either. Hopefully, I'll be taking home a dose of a fun night out to keep me going throughout the remainder of the weekend. My brother says we should still go out Friday. I'm hoping things will settle within me and I'll be able to enjoy what I've been looking so forward to. We're trying for a positive Friday so we can make it through the negative Saturday and Sunday. Yay. Happy Birthday to me.
Anyway, I'm just filing through many emotions at the moment. Hurt, Guilt, Anger, Sadness, Exhaustion.. all things that I'm sure anyone feels during this time. I could've held a few less grudges, I could've cared a little less about the late birthday cards, I could've been a little less distant, I could've been a little less selfish all around I suppose.
Coulda, woulda, shoulda... Isn't that the way it always goes? I've really struggled tonight, but I'm a tough one. At least I can make myself seem that way. It should be quite the emotionally diverse weekend. I'll keep you posted.
1 comment:
There is a lot of things you could have done different but you just can't remember it takes two people in a relationship, so try not to put the entire blame on yourself. It sucks it had to happen so close to your birthday! That means you'll have to treat yourself to something extra special!
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